Lies.
Lying is absolutely, awfully, horribly, terribly, extremely, and dreadfully wrong. Now, this isn’t going to be some boring story about how one time I lied and got into a whole heap of trouble, and now I learned my lesson, and don’t lie, and blah. No, actually this is going to be quite the opposite.
This is the story of when it is okay for someone (a.k.a. you) to lie. It is not always appropriate to lie, but there are many times when it is okay, even encouraged for a person to bend the truth. I have put together a list of these times for your enjoyment.
1. When your mother asks you if your homework has been finished. This is especially a good time to lie when there is something you want to do. For example, your parents tell you that; “You are not allowed to go to the Huge Parade of Candy and Fun until your homework is done.” Obviously you would make up something about how all homework has been finished, and be on your merry little way. This can also work in the opposite direction. For example, if your mother says, “Timmy! I need you to come with me to work and clean stinky old toilets.” You have an excuse. “Oh, gee-dang-nabbit-rabbit-dog mom, I’ve got homework!” Homework is a great lie.
2. When a woman asks you if she looks fat. No matter how much you dearly want to say, “Actually, yes, honey. You look like a hot air balloon in those pants,” DO NOT SAY IT. I’m telling you, nothing good will come out of this. Instead just flat out lie. “Honey! You look like a supermodel!” is always the correct response.
3. When a squirrel has its babies on the backseat of your car. Now, I realize this happens all the time; about 1 in 8741023984 suffer from this happening, but don’t fret. Nobody has to know! Just lie. “Oh, little Johnny spilled his spaghetti and cherry Kool-aid back there, and that stain just will not come out!” If they ask who little Johnny is, just say he’s an orphaned child you mentor. If they ask about the sticks and leaves that look like a nest, just say you had to transport a bird on the edge of death to a vet clinic to save its life. This way you will look like quite the hero when really you just forgot to roll up the window.
4. Whenever you see another human being. Say: “Oh! Have you lost weight?” even when clearly they’re headed in the opposite direction. This generally makes people happy and glad to see you. They may even be persuaded to return the compliment even though you are definitely not looking any better than them.
5. When you’re applying for a job. “What do you think is your most valuable characteristic?” “Well, I’m a hard-worker (yea right). I enjoy doing things for others rather than myself (mmm-hmmm). And I’m always on time (yea, if by “on-time” you mean 23 minutes late).” Often bosses are aware that you are lying and are simply looking for how good of a liar you are. It is widely knows that good liars get the best jobs.
6. When a person walks into your house and it looks like an episode of Hoarders. “Oh, I’ve been just über-busy! I volunteered at the soup kitchen for 783 hours last week, then I helped an old, blind, deaf, paralyzed, woman in a wheelchair across the street, and after that I bandaged a dog with a broken leg by the side of the road with some fishing line and a Kleenex I found.” These are all great and believable excuses that make the person feel sorry for you even though really you just like to go to junkyards and take home everything you see.
7. When a child asks you if Santa Claus is real. Tell them he is and he loves all the little children on the planet Earth. Of course, this isn’t really lying seeing as Santa Claus is real.
8. When you “accidentally” chop a 367-year-old tree down. Especially when this tree is part of a national protected park. Especially if the warden is nearby. Especially if you’re holding an ax. There is a fine-I know this not from experience-for committing such an act as this. So, you’re wondering, what on earth can I possibly say to get me out of this? It’s simple really. “I’m the new gardener.” This lie will also get you into prisons, elementary schools, bank vaults, and old folks’ homes.
9. When you are stealing candy from a baby. Whoever does this probably has some problems (refer to #4), but don’t worry help is on the way. If you’re trying to snag a lollipop from a child and the parent sees it might be tough to think up an excuse. Obviously you’re not going to tell the truth in this case, lying is necessary. Simply say, “Your baby stole my lollipop.” This is genius. It gets the blame off you and onto the child! Even better is that the child cannot talk, therefore can’t defend itself! You’re home free with candy to boot.
10. When you drive your neighbors van into the Mississippi river. This is generally not a good situation, particularly since you had been a wee bit distracted eating a Big Mac, putting on make-up, at one in the morning, wearing sunglasses, with your headlights off, on the wrong side of the road, with your eyes closed. But it wasn’t your fault at all! Just lie! “Oh man, I was driving along obeying all road signs and laws when suddenly I realized the brakes weren’t working. Then the bridge was out, and they had no signs up to warn people. And I’d bet you by the time we go back and look, they will have signs galore just because of what happened to me. What big liars.”
11. When you steal a bulldozer and drive it into the nearby grocery store. This is paired along with stealing a monster truck and driving it over the cars in the Wal-Mart parking lot. While this is definitely a great idea, it may require some covering up. “It was that guy.” Simply point to a nearby man. If they say, “Sir, we’ve got it on video,” simply point to a nearby man that looks similar to you. They can’t prove a thing.
12. When you pretend to be a hairdresser in the same Wal-Mart parking lot and give everyone reverse Mohawks and mullets. People, in general, are stupid. Therefore, if at first they don’t like the new hairstyle, simply lie. Tell them mullets are all the rage in France on the runway. This will get the ladies to accept it. Men however, will generally accept this new haircut in the first place, because they are boys.
13. When you put on your pants backwards. People will probably definitely make fun of you and point this out. “Ha-ha! Hernando put his pants on backwards! Only 1st graders put their pants on backwards! 1st grader, 1st grader!” Shoot back, “OH YEA?! Well I’m enrolled in a AP online advanced placement class to earn my PhD as a bachelor’s of arts university in astrophysics! I’m obviously not a 1st grader.” If they don’t have a clue what you just said say, “Well, it’s backwards day. So technically, you’re the lame one.”
14. When you call your teacher “mom” on accident. Everyone will laugh. Everyone will call you stupid named. Everyone will laugh again. Just say, “So what? Maybe I never had a mom?! Maybe I’m an orphan who lives in the gutter!” If one of them points out that your mom’s name is Tracy, and she works at the local grocery store, just pretend you’ve never heard of any woman named Tracy, and Tracy is a silly name.
15. When you steal a tractor, drive it down the freeway-in the dead center, cause the traffic jam of the century, run over 17 deer, 2 tricycles, a house, and 3 cats, think you can outrace a cop car, and are put on the national news, just because you were dared to. Okay. I really see no way out of this one. You obviously need a hobby.
As you can see, all of these are times when lying is necessary. So just remember: supermodel, Santa Claus, gardener, pants, orphan, and you’re good to go! Times when it is not appropriate to lie: To Mrs. K. Ever. Never.